Conscious parenting... it's not about parenting.
When I had my first child, I started reading books, looking around at others for inspiration. Somehow I believed “they” knew what I was trying to learn. When I discovered conscious parenting, the principles resonated so deeply and I realised it wasn’t about parenting at all.
Conscious parenting flows from re-parenting our own inner child.
We teach what we know.
It’s great to have an idea of how we desire to raise our children, but the reality is that if we have not healed our own wounds, we will inevitably re-create what we know.
Every parent aspires to be calm, conscious and build a loving relationship with their child. But we are deeply triggered by our children. Their role in coming into our lives is to point (and press repeatedly) on our inner wounds and insecurities, thus giving us the opportunity to notice what we are being called to heal within ourselves.
If we choose to enter a conscious relationship with our child, we must notice what inner wounds are calling to be healed so that we can diffuse the conflict. Our child’s behaviour is rarely true issue, it’s our own inability to deal with the loss of perceived control over them.
“Your unconsciousness is not your child’s to inherit, it’s yours to excavate” -Dr Shefali Tsabary
Curbing your reactivity
The key to conscious parenting is to curb our reactivity by getting intentional about reducing our stress response. This is a practice. It’s a simple one, but requires dedication.
Being mindful is the ability to pause between the trigger and reaction. That pause enables us to choose to respond (conscious) rather than react (unconscious). Practicing mindfulness starts with the breath. Taking the time to breathe intentionally retrains our brain into “rest and digest” rather than the “fight or flight” mode that is automatically triggered.
How to: Place reminders around your house to prompt you to pause regularly during the day and check in with yourself. Notice what you are doing, what you are thinking, what you are doing. Are you being in alignment with your intentions or have you reverted to unconscious behaviour? Notice, don’t judge. Then choose to get back on track. It will take time but it will get easier the more you practice this simple technique.
Modelling the behaviour
It would be unfair to expect ourselves to be perfect in all situations, calm and poised, no matter what. We are human after all and that’s a good thing. I believe it to be very useful to model the behaviour we want our children to adopt… remember we act out what has been modelled for us. By practicing self-compassion and self-forgiveness, we demonstrate to our children that we are always learning, that mistakes are acceptable and that we can always start over.
I am no perfect parent. When I mess up, I explain to my children that it’s not their fault and I ask them to forgive me. Children are naturally loving and forgiving. They have so much to teach us.
Inner child healing
We all have triggers. the situations that keep coming up are a good clue as to what is really going on. Being aware of when and where we tend to loose our calm will be a wonderful indicator of what we are being called to heal. Our mind will try to make sense of the situation, but the issue is always emoptional. Unfortunately the emotional body does not make sense to the mind and we cannot solve a problem with the same awareness that is experiencing the issue.
In hypnosis, we get the critical mind out of the way and tune into the emotional body. from this space, we can uncover the core reason for the reaction. Only healing this core reason will unravel the behaviour.
Please get in touch to discuss how we may work together on shifting the behaviour, healing the wound and creating more calm in your relationship with your child and your self.